The Grim Pooper

Celebrity death has filled our days this week with the loss of Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, and Billy Mays. The Poop Review would like to poop on death a little. To take them one right after another is just not right. Poop on you death. Hopefully Ed, Farah, Michael and Billy are all together now at some sort of awkward dead celebrity cocktail party in the sky.

Poop on Board

About a month ago, I was perusing the latest movie trailers when I came across Baby on Board, which appeared to be a typical romantic comedy about a woman with a sturdy career getting pregnant. The trailer, however, seems to have been edited by the intern who started yesterday and resorted to using the "car tires screeching" sound effect. It ends with Heather Graham farting in a board meeting. I was confused. I didn't expect to hear about this movie ever again.

Falling asleep is usually pretty difficult for me, so I've turned to Netflix Watch Instantly. I usually go to an episode of The Office. Yesterday I finished watching the Fun Run episode and easily fell asleep. Tonight I wanted something different, so I went to see what new movies were available to watch instantly. I scrolled down the page...

...and there it was... like a big, fresh, stinky poop sitting on the sidewalk. The kind that makes you wonder HOW this thing got here. Baby on Board, like the big poop, stopped me in my tracks, wanting to see if I'd just imagined it. I took a second look to find that YES it was real. Now usually I'd leave a poop alone at this point, but I had to know more. I wanted to see if A) the trailer was not a true representation of the film and was just REALLY poorly put together and B) while a stupidly typical premise, if the production quality was at all good. The answer: no and no. The trailer perfectly paints what the viewer will get to see, only the film provides a couple of boobs and LOTS more fake erect penises. The movie starts with an annoying Natasha Beddingfield song about having babies and really crappy digital animation of storks flying through weird anime looking skies while carrying swaddled babies in their beaks. One stork makes a seagull noise and the babies begin to float to earth. While the credits roll, babies parachute to the ground and we fade into live action. The fart scene (in trailer) pretty much starts off the movie, so I was concerned that the excitement would end there. Boy was I wrong... Heather Graham is a high-powered business woman who apparently works in a huge office building with only two people: Raphy, her poorly acted, very typically gay assistant and Lara Flynn Boyle (seriously though, you barely see ANYONE else in the building... I don't think they could afford the extras). Heather Graham is working on selling a perfume for expectant mothers (whoa, you will NEVER guess WHO gets pregnant)... Lara Flynn Boyle gives a speech about women in the work force being hindered by starting families... blah blah blah... we all see where this is going. Jerry O'Connell is a high-powered attorney (there is a lot of power in this marriage) who helps sleazy people get out of pre-nup agreements and keep their dirty money. Heather and Jerry have the perfect marriage. But uh-oh, John Corbett is Jerry O'Connell's sleazy friend who drinks, gets handjobs at a Korean massage parlor and hates his wife. I don't want to get too in depth with a scene by scene breakdown, so here are some highlights...

OBSERVATIONS & HIGHLIGHTS from Brian Herzlinger's new film Baby on Board
1. Most of this movie was shot out of focus.
2. Lara Flynn Boyle looks terrifying. She has jowls, which led me to believe she was supposed to be pregnant, but I think it was just some bad plastic surgery. She also awkwardly cries later in the film after the (SPOILER ALERT) baby is born.
3. There is a scene where John Corbett's wife catches him masturbating. The scene starts with him in the dark, just the sounds lending the imagination a hand. The lights come on and we see his underwear pulled down exposing his bare buttocks while he violently works on himself. The scene goes on, the wife tells him to leave, he says no, she walks out, he stands up... and THERE is the first fake erect penis seen in this film.
4. Someone sucks on Jerry O'Connell's thumb.
5. It made me sad that they couldn't afford to give ANY lines to one of the strippers John Corbett hires. She is silent, but not just like "I'm a stripper and basically scenery" silent. There are moments when you think she's about to speak, but doesn't... because then they'd have to pay her more.
6. John Corbett brings his wife (I don't know who she is) to the Korean massage parlor where he gets his handjobs. He does it in order to stop Jerry O'Connell from going through with a revenge handjob. They are greeted by the typically-Asian madame, who asks where he's been and if he has a "pee-pee disease", but John Corbett breaks into the parlor to find Jerry O'Connell. John Corbett gives this powerful speech about being true to your wife and how important that is. As the two men walk down the hall to leave, they are greeted by many of the middle-aged men who were so moved by John Corbett's speech and have left their massage tables. They shower John Corbett with applause and high fives as he walks down the hallway... their fake erect penises blocking the way. Finally the two men have to push through the toweled, fake erect penises to freedom. The scene at the parlor ends with a totally naked man coming into the hall with anal beads hanging out of his... anus.
7. The baby that Heather Graham gives birth to looks about a month old... her poor vagina. Seriously, this baby is HUGE.
8. There are also just a lot of plot holes and poorly shot/edited scenes, so you never really understand where people are standing in relationship to one another in a room.
9. Heather Graham throws up on someone and it looks like Elmer's glue.
10. There is a blooper reel that plays with the credits. John Corbett just says "balls" a lot and "Scare-ya" Flynn Boyle swears repeatedly then flips off the director.

If I were on the ratings board (haha, Baby on Board...) I'd rate this movie R for gratuitous erect penises, bad plastic surgery and generally bad acting.

I honestly didn't think I would make it to the end, but it just kept getting worse and worse and I really thought it might have some sort of saving grace or justification... which it did not. I really think this is a movie you have to see to believe. Maybe I'll just put together some clips to save you from the scene in the men's locker room where Jerry O'Connell and John Corbett see a man with balls that hang to his knees.

There is a lot of poop out there. Sometimes it gets neglected. We'll watch/listen/visit/read it and let you know just how poopy it is.

This blog should not be confused with PoopReport.com, which deals with actual poop.