Anticipation can be dangerous; it's easy to get your hopes up. When I saw the trailer for The Human Centipede, I had a feeling similar to anticipation... dread is something closer to what I felt.The Human Centipede: First Sequence is about a depressed, formerly successful, German, surgeon who has decided to pursue his aspirations to sew living things together mouth-to-butt. He previously experimented with three rottweilers, but has decided to move on to humans. Unfortunately, we only get to see an out of focus picture of the Drei hund (three dog, in German). I reeeally wish we could have seen them in action, walkin' around, gettin' the paper, chasin' their tail, but I'm sure animal rights groups would have given the director a lot of trouble. I'm glad human rights groups just stayed out of this.
The movie also stars two typically-annoying-easily-hate-able young women who make one wrong turn after another until they are trapped in a basement about to be sewn together.
Wrong turns include...
1) Leaving the country. These girls turn out to be complete morons and never should have set foot outside of (what can only be assumed to be) a midwestern college campus.
2) Walking through the forest after their car breaks down. When I get a flat tire the FIRST thing I do is walk straight into the woods... to truly get myself acclimated.
3) Entering the isolated home they stumble upon during their woodland stroll - after being greeted by a strange, sinewy German man who looks like he is about to eat them (lucky for us, it's much more interesting than simple cannibalism).
4) Drinking the water. As I mentioned before it can only be assumed that these two girls are midwestern American college students. So, they MUST have been lectured endlessly about not letting people serve you drinks because of the drugs they will put in them. Of course, the strange, sinewy German man roofies them, then tells them he has done so, almost as a PSA to all who are watching... It's not just for frat parties anymore. You could end up sewn to someone's butt.
5) Trying to escape. Well, just one of them tries to escape, fails (of course) and after being recaptured, is rewarded by being deemed center position in the 'pede.
OTHER HIGHLIGHTS:
- Instructions are given on how to create your own human centipede! The doctor describes AT LENGTH which flaps of skin will be cut and sewn where. I'm glad they really thought this through. It's not like some crazy idea that you sit there thinking "Yeah, but HOW?!"
- The leader of the 'pede is a Japanese man (WAIT- JAPANESE MAN? What was an Asian person doing in Germany?! I know, I was shocked, too) the doc kidnaps after he feels the fat ass truck driver he initially captured, won't be agile enough to crawl around with people sewn to his butt (I'm not sure why he wasted his time with this first victim... i guess he was rushing into things without thinking).
- People eat poop. It's like that thing Hitchcock said ... "A bomb under a table goes off, and that's surprise. We know the bomb is under the table but not when it will go off, and that's suspense." The doctor never says, "Yer gonna poop in each others' mouths" but, like, you know that this Asian dude is gonna have to poop in this girl's mouth, you just don't know when... then he does.
- Boobs. The girls in the centipede are topless. This makes it slightly more disturbing... which honestly I didn't think was possible. Maybe because of my own acting aspirations I thought over and over again of these actors telling friends and family about the new film they got cast in. "Well, grandma, I'm mostly naked for half of the movie... and I'm sewn to someone's butt-hole."
-WARNING WARNING... THIS IS HOW THE MOVIE ENDS... DO YOU REEEEALLY WANT TO KNOW, OR DON'T YOU WANT TO FIND OUT FOR YOURSELF?
THE ENDING: After the Japanese leader of the 'pede gives an out-of-place epic monologue about his shameful life and God's punishment, he kills himself. Then the caboose girl dies of infection... So little miss runaway is sewn to two dead people in the middle a house, in the middle of the forest, in the middle of Germany. Gooooooood luck, sister. I hope the sequel is about her dealing with fame and fortune after she was discovered/rescued/separated and has to cope with her family and friends treating her differently.
THE ENDING: After the Japanese leader of the 'pede gives an out-of-place epic monologue about his shameful life and God's punishment, he kills himself. Then the caboose girl dies of infection... So little miss runaway is sewn to two dead people in the middle a house, in the middle of the forest, in the middle of Germany. Gooooooood luck, sister. I hope the sequel is about her dealing with fame and fortune after she was discovered/rescued/separated and has to cope with her family and friends treating her differently.
